my life as a (not so) yummy mummy

I'm back

2010-01-23T19:37:00.003+11:00

Well, its been over a year - much, much over a year - and how things have changed. Two children are now three, work (outside the home) is no more, and even beyond these obvious changes my life has changed in many, many ways.

I have wanted to resurrect this blog for some time now - I am finding that now that I am at home full time I often want to download a little, and have more good stuff to share! I am still an avid reader of several regular blogs, and am always on the lookout for new ones, so want to get amongst it again. It seems like so much to update on so I'll just give the basics and then pick up where I left off as it were.

I left work in April 2009 to stay at home full time - this has been a good decision in every way except financial. We are okay financially, but I would be lying if I said we didn't miss my income. However, in EVERY other way it has been the best thing I have done, or we have done. My friendships have expanded, my community involvement and awareness have expanded, I am now more involved in church life, and I know my kids better. And, a scary thought I have been having lately is that if I had not left work and had just taken mat leave, I would be heading back to work in 2 weeks!

The other big thing is the arrival of baby number 3 - a beautiful little girl - on August 15. Having the opportunity to be at home with her and to know that there is no mat leave end date looming has been such a great experience that I never had with each of the boys. I love it. Having said that, being at home with the three of them is certainly a challenge.

Anyway, its good to be back.

Grace

2008-09-24T20:38:00.000+10:00

An exchange overheard yesterday between Action Man (2 years 10 months) and Flipper (1 year 9 months) while playing together with puzzles on the floor.

Action Man: 'Ma (he has called him Flipper 'Ma' since he was born, we're not sure why) you need to say Grace before we play puzzles'

Both boys immediately bow their heads.

Action Man: 'Dear God, thankyou for the lovely puzzles. Amen. You have to say Amen Ma'.

Flipper: 'Amen'.

It made me laugh.

Boys and dirt

2008-09-24T20:28:00.002+10:00

What is it with boys and dirt? Or is it just my boys and dirt? They are obsessed with it, they find it, it finds them. I just don't get it.

As one of two daughters of a fastidiously clean (and I really mean fastidiously clean) mother, dirt is just not something I have had a lot to do with in my daily life. I don't mean that to sound like I am some sort of princess - what I mean is that I inherited (albeit a watered down version) my mother's liking and tendency towards cleanliness and order, I work in an office, and as a general rule I don't tend to come across many opportunities to get dirty. The dirt I am referring to is not just the ordinary scruffiness of little boys, I am referring to seeing a patch of dirt, a garden bed, a pot plant, a bit of mud, and moving immediately towards it and covering themselves with it. They love it, and do it without fail.

It is true that at the moment they have opportunities to get amongst the dirt thing all around them - we have a relatively new patch of lawn that we have recently top-dressed, we have a new sandpit for them to play in which results in sand everywhere, we have relatively new garden beds, and our local park has recently developed a very large, dry mound of dirt right near the children's playground - but the gravitation towards it just amazes me.

Copycat

2008-09-22T21:30:00.003+10:00

As a 'ps' to my previous post, a new development is the insistence of the 20 month old Flipper that he be allowed to wear underpants over the top of his nappy, and his exclamation of 'wow' every time he puts them on after his nappy is changed.

Cute.

My grown up boy

2008-09-18T21:20:00.002+10:00

Had to share this.

I mentioned a little while ago about the stop-start progress we are having with Action Man (now 2 years and 10 months old) and toilet training. My approach has been decidedly lazy, hoping that he would catch on himself, but giving him encouragement, etc etc. Since announcing a few months ago that he no longer wanted to wear nappies, and after two weeks of underpants wearing then lapsing into day to day decisions as to whether to wear a nappy or underpants, we have simply been 'going with the flow' (pardon the pun).

Anyway, yesterday saw significant progress. He had been in underpants all day, no accidents (admittedly, the underpants days had started to outweigh the nappy days, but trips to the toilet had to always be instigated by me or Hubby). I was cleaning up after our little craft session - they had made 'lollipops' from painted paper and paddle pop sticks - when I noticed he had disappeared. A quick search of the house indicated that he was in the bathroom on the toilet. After being told 'Mummy,go away. I'm doing a wee by self', I lurked around the corner and saw him do said wee, flush the toilet, get up on the toilet seat to reach the sink and wash and dry his hands, put his underpants and tracksuit pants back on (albeit the tracksuit pants were on backwards, but who cares?) then come out and announce his triumph.

This has since happened a few times today.

Am cautiously excited, but not counting my toilet training chickens. My baby is growing up!

Feeling useless

2008-09-03T10:15:00.002+10:00

Am now at home and it is lovely - I am still at the stage where I am tickled pink and get a little thrill at things like being able to roll over in bed without pain, lie on the couch and watch tv, and get up and go to the toilet when I need to - small things as they say!

But, the current state of my back has left me in an unusual predicament in that I am pretty much good for nothing, but not completely incapacitated, so am in this middle ground of being of no use to anyone in particular, but not so bad that I'm bed bound. Its difficult in its own way.

What I mean is this - I can't go to work because I can't drive and can't sit for more than 10 - 15 mins or so at a time, I can't look after the boys by myself because I can't (or shouldn't be - am being a little naughty in this respect) lift them, carry them, wrestle them into their clothes, get down on the floor and play with them, get them in or out of bed, etc etc. But, I am also not bed bound - I don't need to be, nor is it good for me, to lie down all day. So I'm left in this middle ground sort of place, wandering around like a lost soul, generally feeling like I'm getting in the way.

Don't get me wrong - this is not a complaint, and I am so appreciative and aware of how far I have come, but its all a bit weird.

Hospital post

2008-08-28T16:35:00.002+10:00

Hubby asked me this morning why I have not yet done a hospital post ( I have been here since last Wednesday midnight when we finally gave in to my incapacitation and excruciating back spasms and called an ambulance). My immediate answer was that I was too bored and had nothing to say - and there is something in that - tomorrow will mark 2 weeks of forced absolute inactivity which up until now I thought would be heaven, but has been anything but! It also has been the case that up until Tuesday I was so doped out on painkillers, muscle relaxants etc ( I had quite an extreme reaction to them on Tuesday so the medication was changed) and couldn't do much but lie in bed on my back, so opportunities to post have been minimal. Just on that though, I have managed to log into emails every day for work and keep things on track, so maybe its just that my priorities are a little off!

But, being here has given me time to do some thinking - nothing terribly profound I must say, but just thinking about how things I have done and my lifestyle have got me into this predicament, and how the lifestyle of others on my ward have led us all here.

I'm not being self-flagellating here - I am realistic about how this happened - a sporting injury 15 years ago, which left my back compromised but hasn't really bothered me for about 10 or so years, two pregnancies in 13 months which left my core abdominal muscles shot to pieces so my back was doing all the work when I moved, lifted etc, and chasing around, lifting and carrying two small boys. The combination of the above was not looking good for my back, but I would be naive to say that I wasn't aware of the potential problem, didn't get warning signs of pain in my back which I ignored, and hadn't been shown back and core strengthening exercises that I just hadn't been doing.

So, now that I have seen the worst (or as close to the worst as I want to get) of back injury, I have new resolve to get my back strong so that this does not happen again. I have been doing hydro-therapy in the hospital pool all week which has been great, and has got me up and walking around again, able to shower myself etc. I still can't sit for long periods and it will be some time before I can do that, bending is still difficult, and I won't be able to lift the boys for some time, but there has been definite progress and I am heading home tomorrow. I have an appointment with my physio next week to develop a program that I will follow to get these musles strong and I am committed to following it.

Why this is also of importance to me, is that Hubby and I had decided to try for another baby about now. As a result of my injury this will need to wait - I do not want to put additional pressure on my fragile back until it is strong again.

I have missed my boys so much while being in here, and can't wait to get home to them. I feel like a kid at Christmas counting the sleeps till tomorrow!

Random facts meme

2008-08-17T15:58:00.004+10:00

Megan tagged me for this meme, and given that i am flat on my back on a Sunday afternoon, now is a great time to do it!

Rules

1.Link to the person who ‘tagged’ you! Not sure how to do a link - sorry!
2. Post the rules on your blog!
3. List 6 random facts about yourself!
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post!
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by commenting on their blog!
6. Let the tagger know the entry is posted on your blog!

6 random facts:

1. I have a 'feet' thing - i can't stand having bare feet and must be wearing socks, shoes, thongs etc at all times - except in bed or in the shower.
2. I have an irrational fear of water where i can't see the bottom, ie. lakes, pools etc. I hyperventilate etc and have to get out. I say it is irrational becuase I was a real water baby as a kid, and still love to swim, and can't really tie this fear to any particular event which happened etc.
3. I once 'wagged' sport when I was in year 5 at primary school and felt so guilty afterwards that I confessed to my mother who went to the school and told the principal - incidentally, I ran into that principal at a funeral a few weeks ago and she had no recollection of that episode that I now remember as well as if it was yesterday!
4. I have very wrinkly and 'old lady' looking hands.
5. I am a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to ironing - I iron everything - tea towels, sheets, towels etc. I blame my mother.
6. Sometimes when I can't sleep i tap my ankles together to relax me. Weird I know.

I think everyone I know who blogs has already been tagged for this one!

Learning about helplessness

2008-08-17T15:37:00.002+10:00

I am learning a big lesson about being patient, accepting help and being vulnerable. For the first time in my adult life, I am completely physically helpless. An old back injury from my first year at university has flared up in a way that is worse than the original injury leaving me flat on my back in bed, unable to sit up, roll over, dress myself, feed myself, clean my teeth, and for the first two days, go to the toilet by myself. And it has been hard.

I got up on Friday morning feeling fine, felt a little twinge in my lower back while changing Action Man's nappy but didnt think too much about it, then after getting out of the shower i was leaning over drying my feet and felt a large ripping feeling in my lower back, excruciating pain, and called out for Hubby through my tears, who carried me back to bed where I have remained since. A bit of light relief was Action Man sternly telling me as I was crying in pain 'Mummy, stop being Mr Miserable!' - his favourite book of the moment is 'Mr Happy' which obviously also features Mr Miserable.

Hubby managed to dress me, we got a physio to do a home visit and the doctor came to inject me with pain relief, and i have stayed in bed, flat on my back. There is nothing like something like this to make one realise how much we take for granted, and while I often yearn for a day in bed, I only want it on my terms! This injury will heal - although it doesn't feel like that at the moment - and I wonder how i would cope if i was faced with an injury that wouldn't heal.

Hubby has been wonderful, although for him it has been like looking after 3 children for the weekend, and he and my mum managed this afternoon to get me up and to the toilet and in the shower which was absolute bliss after almost 3 days. It brings a new meaning to 'in sickness and in health', and challenges to my own sensitivities, to have to rely on my husband so absolutely for the bare necessities of daily life and care.

I am posting this from bed, with the laptop balanced on my stomach, and little visibility of the keyboard so apologies for typos - will hopefully get some more mobility in the next few days which will make life easier, and make it easier to send an update from the bed!

June and July update

2008-07-31T20:38:00.002+10:00

Have been very slack with blogging - no intriguing and insightful theories as to why though ...

By way of update, here is a snapshot of what has been going on ...

1. Yuliana - our 'nanny' who looks after the boys on the 3 days I am at work went home to Indonesia for 5 weeks during June/early July. We shared out the days between Hubby, my parents and I, and got through it ok. I enjoyed the extra time at home and I think the boys did too.

2. It was my birthday mid July and Hubby and I stole away for the weekend - a whole Friday and Saturday night at a hotel in the city while my parents looked after the boys. It was lovely.

3. The following weekend Hubby went to visit his mother for the weekend, and despite offers from my parents to come and stay to help out, I decided to tough it out on my own. I think I'll take up the offer of help next time.

4. Action Man decided to toilet train himself - I had taken the 'if it's child led it will happen easily, if it's parent led it will be a battle' approach, and had been waiting for him. A few weeks ago he started taking off his nappy and wanting to wear pants. All good I thought - but he changed his mind and we are now back in nappies and I'm not sure what to do!

5. We had a 4 nights away in our proposed new location post move and it was great - despite the yucky weather. Its still a while off, but it was good to have a 'reccy' and get a positive feel.

6. A close family friend passed away last week. It was the end of a sad story. His wife passed away 6 years ago and he never really recovered, he spiralled into alcoholism and his body basically gave out. Probably a subject for a whole other blog. My parents were very close to him from their teaching days in the suburbs where we grew up. Seeing ones parents so bereft is a challenge.

7. We spent a few hours last night at the Randwick Children's Hospital emergency room with Action Man (and Flipper in tow), both in pyjamas and ready for bed. Basically - it was my fault. I gave Action Man the wrong dose of medicine, rang emergency and was told to bring him in. He's fine. I'm not. Also probably another post all on its own.

Hoping to be more frequent from now on.

2008-06-05T20:23:00.002+10:00

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that they are hopeless at just about everything they do? I have that feeing tonight. A disastrous dinner, bath, bed routine has left me feeling like the worst mother alive. I am back at work tomorrow, and that is a place where I definitely don't feel anything like a superhero. I have failed in my quest to lose any weight - if anything I am eating more!

I am about to give up my career to stay at home with my children, and that is something I want more than anything else - despite the massive changes and adjustments I know it will involve. But nights like tonight make me wonder whether it is something they want????? Would they prefer not to have me around if I seem to inspire such chaos?????????

Not happy today

2008-05-13T08:08:00.002+10:00

Not wanting to be at work, hating everything about it, generally in a bad mood, wanting to be at home with the kids.

I know there are millions, no billions and billions of people out there who have it worse than me. But I'm wallowing.

Can I snap out of it????

Or just close my office door today and hope people get the hint.

Grump!

Why haven't I posted for a while again?

2008-05-07T19:57:00.002+10:00

I have been slack in my posts since returning from holidays. I made a small return a few weeks ago, only to go silent again.

Its not that I don't want to, or don't have ideas of what to say. What it is, is that because I haven't posted about a fairly major thing that has happened/decision that has been made, all of the things that I have thought to post about lately would have no context, ie. they make no sense without the background of where they are coming from. This major decision is occupying my thoughts a lot - as a major decision should I guess. I have been hesitant to post about it for a couple of reasons - mainly because I was worried that someone from work would somehow stumble on this blog and find out. But - I think I'm over that.

So, without further ado, I'll get to it .... we have decided that we are going to leave Sydney, move somewhere lesss hectic and theoretically cheaper to live in, and I am going to quit work and my career. This is all to happen in approx. 12 months or slightly less.

A lot of background to this, but for now I am just getting it out there so I can feel free to post more about it going forward.

There - I've done it!!

Superwoman?

2008-04-21T13:34:00.006+10:00

I'm going to preface this post with a couple of comments:

- I like (what I know of her - I'm not a great fan of people saying 'I love' or 'I don't like' this or that particular celebrity that they have never met - how do you know????) Cate Blanchett - she seems fairly sensible, normal, unaffected - and of course, she is beautiful;

- this post is not intended to be by way of criticism - everyone needs to make their own choices, and as mothers I think we all need to be supportive of each other and the decisions we make (within reason obviously!); and

- I am very much aware that my views on this particular issue have been shaped very much by the professional environment in which I have become, and tried to be a good, mother - an environment in which a woman who has children is, in most cases and despite the rhetoric, at worst an inconvenience, a drain on resources, and 'no longer playing on the A team', and at best a marketing opportunity if she does manage to hold it all together.

But ... I'm going to say it! My comments above notwithstanding, I am uncomfortable with the 'superwoman' tag given to Cate Blanchett for attending the 2020 summit 6 days after giving birth to her third child (although, in my view one would have to be pretty super to manage it!) and I am uncomfortable about the message that it sends to women (and men).

What happened to the sanctity (for want of a better word) of childbirth, the mother/child bond, those days after birth - are we at the stage where the expectation is that women can just pop a child out and resume normal operations immediately thereafter? I know that was the expectation of my employer - although, granted it was not within 6 days!. What is to prevent the thought occurring that Cate Blanchett can do it, why can't everyone else?

I know that I couldn't have done it - 6 days after Action Man was born I could hardly walk, let alone sit down and pontificate on the future of the nation, and 6 days after Flipper was born I was so emotionally all over the place that I wasnt much use to anyone. I know it is all individual choice, and I admire Cate for what she has done, but I am worried about the message that the reference to her as 'superwoman', as a high profile woman and mother, is sending to the likes of me, and the other new (and new-ish) mums I know. There needs to be some sort of balance between the 'baby as a blip on the horizon aproach' and the 'baby as completely debilitating' approach - we have come a long way in moving away from the concept of pregnancy and childbirth as an 'illness' or that of being a mother rendering women incapable of anything else - but we need to be careful not to move so far the other way that we remove the specialness of it, and forget the care that needs to be taken by us as a society of our new mums and newborns.

That's my rant. Not well expressed I don't think, but I hope you get what I mean - and that I haven't offended anyone!

I'm back!

2008-04-17T15:48:00.002+10:00

Its been a while - almost 2 months I just noticed! A lot has been happening, most of it the subject of later posts, but in summary form:

I have been doing:

-holidaying - we had a great holiday on the North Coast visiting beaches etc and I had a great week after that staying at home with the boys
- making life changing decisions - more on that later
-working - recently increased from 3 days to 4 (1 of which is at home). More on that later.
- eating too much and moving too little - but have started exercising/going to the gym again - fell off the wagon but am back on now.
- feeling the guilt of the working mother - my boys have become very clingy and its hard not to blame myself for that
- trying to save money - and becoming extremely stingy in the process!
- enjoying our new church.

Hope that all is well for others - while I have been in hiding I have kept up with the blogs of others. Talk again soon.

How many days a week?

2008-02-20T16:20:00.002+11:00

I had a meeting yesterday with two of the leaders of my group at work - yes, there are several 'leaders' - our organisation has openly taken the view that there needs to be lots of leaders in the organisation - I think there is a unwritten policy somewhere that if 3 people are walking down a corridor together, someone needs to be elected their leader! I am not a great fan of male/female gender stereotyping, but this seems to me to be a particularly 'male' way of carrying on.

Anyway, I digress ...... the purpose of the meeting was to check how I am going, etc, which was good. Inevitably however, the question of how many days I am currently working (I currently work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday) and when I planned to increase them, came up.

My answer was that I was not intending to increase them at the moment, and could not see myself being willing to do that any time in the foreseaable future. The reason that I gave was that my 3 days inevitably became 4 or 5 each week, when I took into account the emails, phone calls, and work I did from home, and the meetings that seem to come up each week that I have to come in for on my 'days off'. I said that I did not want to increase my official days to 4 because then that would become 5 or 6, and then I would not see my children.

The immediate response was that that was fine and that there was no requirement to increase my days. I got the feeling that that response was not so much what they were feeling, but what they know they are expected to say. But - it was the reponse I wanted so I'll take it however it happens to come. But, it was followed by the comment that my position was really no different from a full time person, because in our jobs a 5 day a week job usually becomes a 6 or 7 day a week job.

I'm still thinking through whether I agree with that. But I'm also wondering, whether that makes it right????

The things kids say

2008-02-17T21:17:00.000+11:00

Trying to get Action Man to est his dinner tonight I asked him to "put a piece of carrot in his tummy for mummy". He proceeded to lift his shirt and try to insert the carrot through his belly button. I couldn't help but laugh.....

Jack of all trades, master of none

2008-02-15T16:45:00.002+11:00

Despite my earlier optimism (posts from last year) the work/mum thing is not working. I am really struggling. Its not just tiredness - everyone who has kids gets tired, and its not just guilt - although I'm great at that, and its not that I feel like my life is out of control - because I knock myself out staying organised. Its that I feel that of the two things I 'do' - being a mum, and being a partner in a large firm - I am doing neither of them well. And I hate that.

ps. to post above

2008-02-07T07:47:00.001+11:00

I didn't actually go to the meeting in the end.

At about 3.30pm a massive headache hit me from behind and I couldn't make it in.

I think that was seen as an acceptable excuse to not be there.

Irony in the workplace # 1

2008-02-07T07:28:00.000+11:00

A meeting was called for all of the partners in my division of my firm. It was a pretty important meeting, basically to discuss our "off plan" revenue performance for this financial year to date and what we are going to do to claw it back in the remainder of this financial year.

The original meeting request was for 8am Friday morning - perfect for me as Friday is one of my work days. The request was then changed for 5pm Wednesday - not good for me at all as Wednesday is one of my non-work days. Even if Wednesday was not one of my work days, 5pm would be no good for me as I like to leave at 5pm so I can get home to see my boys before they go to bed (that is why I am usually in the office at 7am). My response to this change was to sigh, realise that this is my lot in life as the only part time partner in this division (there are only 4 women out of about 20, only 2 of these have children - I am 1 of those 2 and the other is currently on maternity leave but works full time when she is at work) and ask Hubby to come home from work early on Wednesday so I can make the meeting. As a part time partner I can't expect the way the office runs to change for me, so I make the necessary arrangements such that I can work in with the office (within reason anyway).

So this is all fine. I then ran into the PA of the head of our division who had noticed that I had accepted the meeting request even though I didn't 'work' on Wednesdays (on another note, I find this notion that I don't 'work' on Mondays and Wednesdays a real joke - yes I am 'not in the office' which is my preferred description for it, but I find myself answering calls, emailing on my Blackberry and working while the boys are asleep and after they have gone to bed - so Mondays and Wednesdays being my 'days off' or the days that I 'don't work' is a bit of a misnomer). I said that I thought the meeting was important so I had made arrangements to come in for it. She then mentioned that the reason it had changed was because there her boss (male) had this year committed to take his son to school on Friday mornings so the meeting couldn't be then.

This is great - I think that there are more men who work in jobs like mine who should make this sort of commitment, and yes, he is the head of the division so he gets to decide when the meetings are, and yes, 5pm Wednesday or 8am Friday is probably no skin off the nose of the other partners (although truth be told few of them are in the office before 9am so it would have made an early morning for them!). But what gets me about this is that despite all the steps we have taken in recognising the contribution of working mothers and the issues that we have, the flexibility that some workplaces (and I have to say that mine does offer a lot of flexibility - at least officially) when a man takes time away from work to do something with his family he is seen as some kind of superhero - "so hands on", "really committed to his kids" - but when I 'work' part time and am paid part time, there is this expectation that I will leave my kids, on my 'day off' to come in for a half an hour meeting.

I think this is a little ironic.

An up and down week

2008-02-01T18:50:00.000+11:00

I haven't blogged for a week - and what a week it has been. Very up and down, but with a pattern - up on the family and personal side, and down on the work side.

On the up side - some great things have happened, the most notable of which being that Flipper turned 1 on January 24. This was a big day for us as a family, a real milestone. Hubby and I both took the day off work and the four of us just hung out, mooched around the house, played in the garden, went out for noodles for dinner, and just enjoyed being together. And as Hubby and I sat on the deck and clinked our champagne glasses after they were in bed, it was a wonderful feeling. Our little family has had a rough year with one thing and another, but to be in the place we are now is such a blessing and gives us real cause to be thankful.

We had a little party for him on Sunday afternoon - just family really - but of course I knocked myself out cooking for it anyway (!) and that was lots of fun. A real blessing was that Hubby's mother was able to come down for the party - in a DAY TRIP! The reason for the capitals is that she lives approx. 7 hours drive away and came down for the party arriving at 2pm, and went home that night leaving at 5pm. Not sure what the reason was for not staying (I don' think its me ........ ?!) but I know she doesn't like to be away from home much. Anyway, it was her amazingly generous and kind hearted brother who lives in the same town who drove her down and took her home, so we felt very lucky that they were able to join us. My wonderful parents and sister and her husband and son were also there (as they have been every step of the way) and it was a great celebration.

Then, on Monday, I got to spend the day alone with Flipper. This does not sound like a big deal, but it occurred to me half way through the day that it was the first time I had spent more than about half an hour one on one with him in about 6 months. Because the boys pretty much sleep, eat, play, and do everything at the same time, it is rare for me to be one on one with either of them - I do get more one on one time with Action Man though as Flipper still has a nap in the mornings as well as the nap they have at the same time after lunch. It was a lovely time -we played, read stories, went for a walk, had lunch at a coffee shop, went to the park - and I absolutely relished the opportunity to focus all of my attention on him. It was a real blessing and something I think I will actively seek to do more of with both of them.

I am a very lucky woman.

The 2 year old school of management

2008-01-25T07:45:00.000+11:00

It ocurred to me last night as I was dreading my work day today dealing with the men (and their egos) that I am bound to end up coming up against, that my experience in managing an active 2 year old has become very helpful to me in dealing with these egos.

The key two lessons are as follows:

1. Distraction, distraction, distraction; and
2. always let them/make them/allow them to think its their idea.

It really does work.

A valuable lesson

2008-01-22T16:44:00.001+11:00

I learned a valuable lesson last week. Its a lesson I have learned before, and will probably need to learn again, but an important one nonetheless.

As mentioned in a previous post, I have recently relocated offices (same firm, different location). I am prevented from talking about the real reason for this move - to anyone other than the official firm channels I went through to get the move. From the outside looking in, the move was sudden, unexpected, unexplained and potentially unexplainable -at least to the staff members in the office I left - some of which I had considered friends, and all of which (with one notable exception) I had considered good professional colleagues. I didnt want to make this move either - but was put in a situation where I just could stay no longer.

As it turns out, the move has been a good thing - professionally and personally in terms of how much I enjoy my work day to day.

However, I have lost the respect of colleagues (particularly junior staff) and the friendships I thought I had with other colleagues. This has been brought home to me in a number of ways since I moved (late September) but most recently in the form of 360 degree feedback we received as part of an annual thing that is done for all partners. The comments received in mine from junior staff were all along the same lines - recriminations for me having 'deserted' my previous office after all the support I had received from that office.

These comments are borne from ignorance. I know that. But they still hurt. Especially coming from people who I thought knew me better than that.

The important lesson that I learned from it is that things aren't always as they appear, and that we can really hurt others by judging, and acting on those judgements, without knowing all the facts. For someone like me, who has a tendency to be critical and jump to conclusions - see Meme responses a few posts ago - this is something I need to work at.

Learning about God

2008-01-17T13:14:00.000+11:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, our church life as a family has not been the best for the better part of the last year or so. Lots of reasons for this - one of which being that the church we have been going to just doesn't suit us as a family - the four of us are the only members of the congregation under 60 or so.

We have been doing our best to bring God into the Boy's lives through stories, prayers, songs, bible reading etc. This weekend is the start of our quest to find a new church.

On the songs front, the favourite CD in our house at the moment is Colin Buchanan's "10,9,8 God is great". About track 3 or 4 on that CD is the song "God is everywhere". In the last few days I have been saying to Action Man "Where is God?" and he responds "God is everywhere". Very cute. Yesterday over breakfast I expanded the repertoire by asking "Who does God love?" and then listing the names of the people he knows. The response I got made me smile - he said "got to have a God cuddle". Background to this is that whenever he wants a cuddle he says to the person he wants the cuddle from "got to have a [insert name of desired cuddler] cuddle" - so I get "got to have a mummy cuddle". It was lovely. But wait, there's more ....

This God discussion progressed over dinner to the following questions "Does God like carrots?" as he piles carrots into his mouth (he loves them!), "Does God like sausage?", "Does God like dinner?" and then the best of all "God likes cake mummy" .... to which I responded, "Yes sweetheart, but God knows that cake is a special treat and he has fruit and yoghurt for dinner most nights".

Am I raising a con artist??

Another meme!

2008-01-15T09:44:00.000+11:00

1. Were you named after anyone?
Not that I am aware of.
2. When was the last time you cried?
About half an hour ago. It happens quite frequently - its hard to keep track.
3. Do you like your handwriting?
No - its awful - and seems to have gotten worse since my children were born - a previously undocumented side effect of pregnancy??
4. What is your favourite lunch meat?
Chicken
5. Do you have kids?
Yes - 2 boys - they're lovely.
6. If you were another person would you be friends with you?
Sometimes I wouldn't like me very much, but I think I would be friends with me - I'm basically a nice person.
7. Do you use sarcasm alot?
Not as much as I used to - I don't have the brain power required anymore.
8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes
9. Would you bungee jump?
No
10. What is your favourite cereal?
Weet Bix - I know, boring!
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
I don't wear shoes with laces much - when I do wear them it is usually because I have been doing some form of exercise, and whether I untie them really depends upon how energy I have left!
12. Do you think you are strong?
No- not emotionally or physically. I am basically a complete wimp.
13. What is your favourite icecream?
Choc chip I think.
14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Usually how much better put together they are than I am!
15. Red or pink?
Red I think.
16. What is the thing that you like least about yourself?
Where do I start??? My lack of confidence, my tendency to be critical, my figure and my hair - I think they top the list!
17. Who do you miss the most?
No one really - I'm very lucky to have all of my loved ones reasonably close to me.
19. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing?
A black dress, stockings, high heels (I'm at work)
20. Have you ever re-gifted?
Yes - but only to my 2 year old (ie. recycling one of last year's Christmas presents and giving it to him this year - does that count?)
21. What are you listening to right now?
General office noise - but its lunchtime so things are pretty quiet.
22. If you were a crayon what colour would you be?
I don't like this question - blue I guess.
23. Favourite smells?
Lavender, rain, my children's heads.
24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Hubby - I left the house at 5am today to come to work and I called him at 7.30am to see how my boys were.
25. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes! Haven't seen her in a while but definitely yes.
26. Favourite sports to watch?
Hockey, swimming, tennis.
27. Hair colour?
Mousey brown.
28. Eye colour?
Brown/hazel.
29. Do you wear contacts?
No
30. Favourite food?
Too many .... I love carrot cake with cream cheese icing.
31. Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings
32. Last movie you watched?
National Treasure - Book of Secrets. We had free movie tickets given to us for Christmas 2006 which expired on 31 December 2007 ..... we didnt make it to the movies until 31 December 2007 and it was the only thing that was on at the time we could make it! Not at all in the realms of my usual choice of movies, but I have to say that it wasnt bad for what it was.
33. What colour shirt are you wearing?
Still the black work dress.
34. Summer or winter?
I like both for different reasons.
35. Hugs or kisses?
Both!
36. Favourite dessert?
Too many to choose from.
39. What book are you reading now?
A few on the go at the moment - 'Raising your spirited child', 'He'll be ok - growing gorgeous boys into good men', and 'I Love You Rituals'. I need a fiction one to balance out the parenting focus.
40. What is on your mousepad?
I don't have one.
41. What did you watch on tv last night?
Nothing - there is nothing on at the moment so I did the ironing instead - very sad!
42. Favourite sound?
My kids laughing together - not too often these days as the eldest is usually beating the youngest up!
43. Rolling stones or Beatles?
not a great fan of either to be honest, but would definitely take the Beatles over the Rolling Stones any day.
44. What is the furthest you have been from home?
I think it would be Tenerife, in the Canary Islands but I'm not sure. It could be Turkey.
45. Do you have a special talent?
No - not a one!
46. Where were you born?
Sydney, NSW, Australia.

'Remedial' Pump

2008-01-10T14:53:00.004+11:00

Last night was the second in my two free 'try before you buy' visits to local gyms. The class last night was called 'BodyFit', which, from my long ago gym days looks to me like it could be the new and funky name for 'Pump' - using barbels with little weights to focus on toning etc.

I enjoyed it a lot, am hurting quite comfortably today, and will probably join this gym.

A funny anecdote though - I was asked to stay behind after class by the instructor (I note I was the ONLY one asked to stay behind)! She spotted me with a look of great agony on my face during the 'tricep curls' and enquired as to why I looked so pained. I pointed out that it was really hurting - but not in my triceps! Further investigation was obviously needed - or maybe I was just a lost cause.

Later we worked out that I was holding the barbel incorrectly - who knew there were special ways to hold a barbel? - so hopefully this will fix the non-tricep related pain when I attempt my next set of tricep curls.

The most amusing (and embarrassing?) part of it all was the look on Hubby's face when i arrived home a little late than I had indicated I would be and explained my lateness as being due to having to have 'remedial' Pump lessons. I guess the only way is up from here!

More on the 2008 plan

2008-01-08T13:38:00.000+11:00

In my professional life we talk about 'SMART' goals. The 'M' in that little acronym is 'Measurable', so to last night's diatribe on health and fitness I will add the 'Measurable' part - my aim is to lose 10kg. It seems a little daunting but we will see how we go. On the progress front, I have arranged 2 free visits to local gyms which have opened recently - one tonight and one tomorrow night - so that's over half of the weekly structured exercise done in 2 days!

Onto other plans for the year - I promise they involve less rambling on!

1. More time/less activity - I love only working 3 days per week. It is a great mix. It gets me out of the house enough to feel like I have time to do my own thing and it gives me time with the boys alone, time to do 'housy' things, and time to get those 'adminny' sorts of things done during business hours that I never had time to do when I was working full time. But, if I look at that list of things that I do with my days off, and think about the way I have spent my days off in the ladt 6 months, I have realised that they are often busier than the work days because I try to cram so much activity into them. The most important (and fun) thing on the list is spending time being 'mummy'. So, my plan is to just let my days off just happen more, not to fill them with stuff, and take more time to just be with my boys. Am looking forward to it.

2. Do more fun stuff - In 2007 I was so uptight about sleep times, routines, feed times, bed times, getting the ironing done, the house clean, the shopping done etc etc that I feel that we didn't do enough 'fun stuff' as a family - like going to the beach, going to the pool etc - because I was always worried about how doing that fun stuff would impact my 'organisation'. Not a good, helpful, healthy approach to life. I'm going to stop that as of now!

3. Get the church thing right - we need to get the church thing right. By this I mean find a church that suits all of us, get involved in it, etc. Simple really, but something we have not been able to do for all of 2007. Instead we have limped along in our Christian lives, attending (sporadically) a church that we do not enjoy, praying with the boys, saying Grace with them, singing Christian songs with them and hoping that's enough. Its not. And it needs to be fixed.

4. More one-on-one time with Hubby. Perhaps with 2 children under 2 this always goes out the window. I don't know. But while Hubby and I have done ok with this over the last 2 years we can do better.

New Year plan

2008-01-07T19:37:00.000+11:00

I'm not a great fan of 'New Year's resolutions' - maybe because I have never really kept them! But, being a fan of organisation, planning, lists, structure, routine and all that boring stuff, the idea of starting afresh on something, developing a new plan etc at the start of a new year, appeals.

My 2008 plan is an improvement on my 2007 plan, which was, in a word 'Survival'. This time last year I had a 13 month old, and was 17 days away from giving birth to a newborn. From today's vantage point, this doesn't seem quite as scary as it was then - but as they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing. The 2008 plan, following on from 'Survival' is 'Thrive'.

By Thrive I mean that I want to build on the good, solid, happy, family life that we have now into a flourishing life - both for each of us as individuals and for the 4 of us as a family. 2007 was a year in which I spent the first 6 months just congratulating myself on getting everyone through the day in one piece, and the second 6 months making real progress in feeling more human, more in control and more capable of enjoying, rather than just 'getting through' life. There were many large (moving the boys in together and getting our bedroom back!) and small (getting the boys eating the same thing for meals, ie moving beyond pureeing and mashing for Flipper) milestones of progress along the way, and it just seemed to 'happen' that we suddenly woke up one day and life felt 'easier', but I think that we are now in a place where we need to move on from that and tend to the things that seemed to fall by the wayside in a turbulent year.

For me that means my health and fitness. Frankly, in 2007 I didnt have the time or the inclination to think to much about what I was eating or how much I was exercising - the priority was getting meals on the table as quickly and as 'low fuss' as possible - all my energy in ensuring a 'balanced diet' went into the boys, and I would eat whatever I could find and would take minimal prep and cleaning up. Perhaps I would have been better off thinking more about that for myself, but again hindsight is a wonderful thing. I need to now focus on putting the right things into my body and treating it well - not so that I look better (although that will be a bonus!) but so that I have more the boys and for Hubby and don't feel so tired all the time. My plan to make this happen:

1. Healthy eating - Hubby and I actually eat quite healthily ( he is a great cook!) but I am not great with portion size (I eat the same size as he does - enormous - and not being blessed with his metabolism, it goes straight to my squishy bits!) and I tend to go a bit (actually a lot!) off the rails when he is not around!

2. Exercise - this will be tough. Inactivity breeds inactivity and while I struggle for time with that sort of stuff with work thrown into the mix, I have to be homest with myself and admit that I do have time when I could squeeze it in if I could be bothered. We are 'blessed' (?) with early rising children (5.15am seems to be the standard at the moment). So, on the day I take the early shift on the weekends (sat) and my non-work days (Mon and Wed) I am going to get the boys out of the house for a walk to the park and a play - and we will walk the LONG WAY - instead of lying around on the couch watching them play and hoping they require nothing more energetic from me than reading stories! Have done this Sat and today and has worked well. Could be a problem when winter sets in - but, have thought this through too - which leads me to.....

3. Join a gym. There is one at our 'village shops' which is open until 9pm. So, because we are also blessed (this time no sarcastic question mark!) which children who go to bed quite happily at 6.30pm/7pm I can go after they are in bed a few nights a week. The key is to be diligent until I start to enjoy it - which I know I will eventually as I used to be quite a diligent gym goer pre-marriage. The issue with this is paying for it .... which leads me to ...

4. Eating breakfast at home on my work days (it adds another 5 minutes to my 'get out of the house by 6.45am to be at work by 7am so I can leave at 5pm and not feel guilty' routine, but its cheaper and its actually nicer) and bringing my lunch from home. Based on my research, this will save each week more than enough to pay for a gym membership.

All nice in theory - we will see how we go!

More on other '2008 plans' another time - my portion-controlled, nutritionally balanced, yummy - and cooked by wonderful culinary expert Hubby dinner awaits.

2007-12-30T21:58:00.000+11:00

Haven't blogged for a while, so Merry Christmas to all!

Several reasons for lack of blogging - end of year work being busy, horrible things happening at work which monopolised my attention and that I can't really write about, and getting ready for Christmas.

It struck me during the frenzied last week before Christmas when I was up late most nights doing handmade Christmas cards with photos of the boys, handmade calendars for both grandmothers, a photo book I put together, laminated etc for the boys, etc, etc, that I may not be doing all of these things for the most noble of reasons. Giving it some thought I wondered whether I was doing the cards for the benefit of those who will receive them, the calendars for the grandmas and the book for the boys - yes, of course I was. But there was another reason - I was doing it to prove something to myself, or rather to address one of my own insecurities - I was doing it to prove (to myself alone I'm sure, as I'm quite certain that no one else gives it much thought really!) that I can work and still be the 'mum'. Yes, I may dress up in a suit 3 days a weeks and play with the big boys (or attempt to) in the concrete jungle,but I can still make my own Christmas cards, make my own calendars and put together handmade gifts for my boys - I can also leap tall piles of washing in a single bound, clean like a machine, and cook up a storm such that my children never (heaven forbid!) eat from a jar.

As I said, not the most noble of reasons. I wonder if I'm the only one????

Anyway, I digress. Am currently relaxing in the Hunter Valley in a house on the vineyards for 5 nights with my family - Mum, Dad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew who is about the same age as Action Man. Its lovely - although the house that was advertised on the internet as 'luxury accommodation' was described as such VERY loosely! We spent the previous 5 nights in Hubby's home town over Christmas, which was also nice, made much more pleasant by the fact that I had negotiated earlier in the year that we stayed "off site" rather than with the m-i-l. Much needed relief for all!

Have had several ideas/thoughts for future posts over the time that we have been away and thought that I would list them here so that I remember them, as I often have these ideas, then get in front of the computer and promptly forget about them!

List is as follows:

- "One of the best things I have ever done"
- Another baby?
- The family farm

And now I have forgotten the rest again!!!!!

Christmas meme

2007-12-14T03:57:00.002+11:00

I have been tagged in a meme - didn't know what a meme was prior to being tagged, and wasn't sure what tagging meant, so have been watching the blogs of the other 'tag-ees' to see what they have done and am now doing what i think I am supposed to do!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper where things are 'easy' to wrap. I cheat with the gift bags for awkwardly shaped presents although try to limit my use of them as they can get quite expensive. I'm a bit of a gift wrapping perfectionist (or 'facist' is another word that has been used to describe my approach) - a hangover from years working in a newsagency at Christmas time that had a gift wrapping service ....

2. Real tree or artificial? Always had artificial when we were growing up but I like the idea of real - but not the mess!

3. When do you put up your tree? For the last 2 years it has been the closest weekend after 3 December as that is Action Man's birthday and we want each event to be special in its own right.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually when we get home from our trip to family over Christmas but before I go back to work - so around epiphany.

5. Do you like eggnog? No idea - never tried it!

6. Favourite gift received as a child? I got a teddy bear called 'Pammy' when I was about 12. I had really wanted this teddy bear - I mean REALLY. Not sure why.

7. Do you have a Nativity scene? No. Have been meaning to do the advent calendar thing for a few years but haven't got around to it - mainly as a result of being heavily pregnant or immediately post natal for the last 2 Christmases in a row, and this year just not getting round to it yet - there is still time!

8. Hardest person to buy for? My grandmother.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My Boys - but its too easy and I have to stop myself from just being ridiculous.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't know - I haven't received a truly bad one that I can remember. Last year we got an ugly vase and a wooden fish that was made so that it moved by itself when the wind blew on it - I find it quite creepy. They are both from family though so we keep them and put them on display when said family visits.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. Last year I did homemade cards with a lovely Christmas photo of Action Man on the front. Trying to do the same this year but Boys being quite un-cooperative in the photo posing stakes and am rapidly running out of time! Feel that I have created the precedent now with last year's effort so am still trying!

12. Favorite Christmas movie? It’s a Wonderful Life. I also like Love Actually.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A couple of months before - if I see something when I am out I buy it and stash it away.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Am about to do it this year for the first time. We received some toys last Christmas for Action Man that were a little old for him, so he is getting them this Christmas - does that make me bad?

15. Favorite things to eat at Christmas? Pork - especially the crackling! And especially cold the next day on sandwiches! And my mum gets fantastic Christmas cakes from a cake shop in the Sydney suburb we grew up in - it is a special trip each year as none of us live there anymore but we haven't found any cakes as nice anywhere else - especially not the ones I have attempted to make over the years!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Coloured.

17. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night – my absolute winner.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel - every year. My family one year, Hubby's the next.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No. Its 5am and I've been up for almost 3 hours. Try me again when I've had more sleep.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star. Not a fan of the angel.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning in my family. In Hubby's family we wait until after lunch on Christmas day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Christmas 'carols' that have nothing to do with what Christmas is really about. People who write 'Xmas' and who say 'happy holidays'.

23. What is the "corniest" family tradition you do, or miss doing? When I was growing up we would sit around the tree on Christmas eve and watch the carols from the Myer music bowl in Melbourne - this was when they were 'carols' sung by proper singers and not the dodgy Christmas songs with no meaning that are now sung by tv stars and Australian idol winners. I can't sit through it now.

24. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented? We own it. My husband bought it as a joke - a cardboard Santa with a concertina red belly. The definition of kitsch. (We also have a Thanksgiving turkey on the same theme - why? I have no idea!)

.25. Which looks the best, theme trees or homey trees? I like the idea of themed trees, and the look of them in magazines and shops, but have some decorations with sentimental value that I can't let go of. Am fighting the tinsel war with Hubby - I am not a fan but he has snuck some on. Grrrr.

26. What does Christmas mean to you? The birth of Jesus - how awesome is that?

Friday 14 December 2007 - not looking good so far

2007-12-14T03:57:00.001+11:00

Its 4am, I'm up, I have been up since 2.30am, and only sleeping in very patchy intervals from 11pm. At this point I usually decide that there is not much point going back to bed - even if a miracle occurs and screaming child (Flipper) decides that it might be a good time to go back to sleep. Sigh.

This post is going to be a bit of a whinge - so if you are not in the mood for a whinge feel free to stop reading - I won't mind!

This has not been a good week.

I found out something sad about a friend - long standing work colleague that I have been friends with for about 10 years - admittedly the friendship has staled a bit lately as we have drifted apart with different things going on in our lives and he had seemed to have changed a bit into someone I wasn't sure I liked a lot of the time. Anyway, this friend has been married for 10 years, to his childhood sweetheart (they met at school). She is pregnant with their first child - due late Jan 2008. My friend has left her, he has moved out, they are getting a divorce. I'm stunned and sad, and am probably thinking about it way too much. It calls into question the whole 'staying together for the sake of the kids' thing and the question of who your responsibility is to once you have children, or have conceived a child - to yourself in order to be happy and to be the best person you can be in order to be the best parent you can be, or to your child in order to give them the best start in life, being two parents in the same home - if you assume of course that that is the best start in life. He has already accused me of being 'judgemental' and I don't want to be, but I just can't get my head around it. I guess also with the experience of becoming a mother being relatively recent for me, I am aware of the changes - physical, emotional and mental - that a woman having a child for the first time goes through, and how difficult that can be (while also being wonderful) even when there is a supportive and loving partner beside you 24 hours a day helping you, telling you are doing well, and just loving you. And I feel so sad that my friend's wife won't have that. As I said at the outset, I am thinking about this way too much, and going into it on this blog in such an amount of detail is probably a function of my sleep deprivation, but also my way of processing it. Its just so sad.

And on top of that, I am having troubles at work. I can't go into detail about them but they are not good.

Finally, Action Man did his first wee on the toilet yesterday and Mummy wasn't here. I cried when I found out - probably a combination reaction to everything else, and maybe an overreaction, but it made me sad.

Anway, it is now 4.30am, all is quiet, and I need to be up in an hour anyway. Think I'll have a cup of tea and do the ironing. Hoping the day gets better from here ......... and if not, there's always an early night tonight!

What am I doing wrong?????

2007-12-05T21:35:00.001+11:00

I was the lone ranger tonight putting the boys down - nothing gargantuan, just cooking and feeding them dinner, bathing, dressing, stories, prayers, bed. The end result was okay - in bed and asleep by 7.15pm, but the process was not a pleasant one. Constant screaming, interspersed with whinging and whining, kiwi fruit and yoghurt all over the floor (and me), fisticuffs in the bath, and a completely failed story attempt and no attention paid by Action Man during prayers. Nothing at all like the books, movies and tv ads present bedtime to be - no soft focus lighting, little eyes drifting closed, gentle smiles at mummy and lovely cuddles and kisses. It was a battle from start to finish.

Is it only me that this happens to? What am I doing wrong?????

Great expectations

2007-12-04T14:59:00.000+11:00

Yesterday (Dec 3rd) was Action Man's second birthday. We were very excited and wanted the day to be lovely for him - not that he really knows much what it means, despite running around the house yesterday announcing "I'm 2!" to anyone who asked.

I am always off work on Mondays, so Hubby took the day off too so that we could spend the day together. We had a specialist appointment for Flipper in the morning which I had been a little worried about but it was all ok so we set off very happily afterwards for 'Toys R Us' to buy Action Man's birthday present (Mummy had not been organised enough to get it earlier - bad mummy!) I may have mentioned it before, but he is OBSESSED with cars, trucks and anything that has wheels and goes - including bikes. He has a little ride on dinky thing but seems to have outgrown that and is always heading for the trikes that other kids bring to the park, so we decided that we would get him a trike - the ones that have a handle so that we can steer for him.

My grand plan for the rest of the day went something like this......

- buy trike and head home
- boys down for sleep - that they ALWAYS have at about 12.30/1pm for at least an hour and a half
- while boys asleep Mummy makes birthday cake, maybe grabs a little lie down, and Hubby mows and tidies lawns
- boys wake up in lovely mood and we take boys and new trike and birthday cake to the park for a picnic afternoon tea
- early dinner at local pizza place that knows us and is happy to have the boys there
- home for bed
- Mummy and Daddy have a relaxing evening (and maybe for something fun, Mummy attempts the great pile of ironing currently taking on a life of its own in the laundry).

Here's what actually happened ...

-buy trike and head home (so far so good - the next one is where it gooes pear shaped)
- boys refuse to sleep - for the first time in I can't remember how long
- Mummy makes cake in a big rush while listening to boys carrying on and refusing to sleep
-lawns not mowed or tidied
-boys not in lovely mood - in fact, they are quite cranky and difficult
- sudden thunderstorm ruins plans for afternoon picnic
- Mummy feeling very ill - having caught the bug the boys had last week
- against all better judgement still head to pizza place where Action Man refuses to sit, eat, or generally behave, and Flipper just cracks it because he is way too tired
- walk home in second drenching thunderstorm of the day because of course we forgot the umbrellas
- boys do go down to bed ok, but no relaxing (or ironing) for Mummy as I retire to bed at 8pm feeling absolutely shocking.

Ok - so not a tragedy, not life threatening, and I am laughing about it today - but I think things like this happen every so often to remind me that planning when it comes to kids (and the weather in Sydney at the moment - go figure!) is futile and that despite my routine based approach and general orderliness, we just need to go with the flow, and Mummy needs to learn to CHILL OUT!

Brotherly love

2007-11-29T12:18:00.000+11:00

It's official - the fisticuffs have started.

While Flipper was originally an object of curiosity to Action Man and we could explain the occasional poking and prodding as him being inquisitive, I am now forced to admit that there are occasions that he hurts Flipper just because he can and because he wants to. It makes me angry in a way that I never thought I would be with him, even though I know that it is normal.

It mainly happens towards the end of the day, when everyone is tired and cranky and I am at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with it. I know that the two of them wrestling etc will just be a part of life - as one of two girls I don't know this from personal experience, but Hubby assures me that this is normal and ok - but the deliberate hurting is not ok and I don't know what to do about it or if there is anything I CAN do about it with an almost 2 year old.

Does anyone have any tips?

2007-11-27T20:59:00.000+11:00

I haven't blogged for a while, having found myself (quite unusually for me) with not much to say. Or perhaps more accurately, a lot to say but not the words to say it in - again, quite unusually for me.

Lots has been happening - difficulties at work, lots of work, the election (which I was quite captivated by) and the reappearance - not recurrence I emphasise - of some effects of my difficult times post-Flipper's birth. Perhaps I will get to these more in the next few posts, but my thoughts for tonight are easy to express and I want to record them.

I came home from work today - having been caught in the most appalling traffic jam on York St in the city (which would not have been so bad if my petrol orange light had not been on since yesterday morning and by this time causing me some concern!) - and had both boys (plus Hubby) meet me at the door. Action Man shouted "Mummy" over and over again at the top of his voice and Flipper gave me the loveliest of grins, showing off his three new teeth that are on the way through - all at the same time!

It struck me that there are probably few other times or situations in life that we are greeted with such enthusiasm and unaffected glee as we are by our children. There are no distractions, inhibitions, they see no faults in us, and they show on their faces and with their words exactly what they are feeling. Its quite humbling and the most amazing feeling.

And I feel the exact same joy back at them - and they are at the age when I can show it exactly the same way. There are no "oh mum" comments as I gather them in for a kiss and a cuddle as I expect there will be during the adolescent grunting stages that I am assured they will go through at some point. Its lovely.

I then made the connection that this must be how my parents feel when they see me - even now that I am grown up with my own children. And I was struck again by the realisation that I had when Action Man was born and I experienced for the first time the strength of parent/child love and really appreciated for the first time what my parents feel for me, and what they have done for me.

It is these things that make life so special, and our relationships with our family such a special part of life.

Where has my cuddy baby gone?

2007-11-13T08:06:00.000+11:00

Flipper has always been a cuddly baby. He has been happy to sit and be held, taked to, sang to, and generally cuddled. Action Man - as the name implies! - was never really cuddly. He was always on the move. I would sit at Mothers Group get togethers while the other babies sat on their mum's laps and cuddled while my little fellow struggled and kicked to be allowed to be on the floor moving about and investigating. In the last 6 months or so he has embraced the cuddle - pardon the dodgy pun! - and will often ask for a "mummy cuddle" which I love - but he is definitely a busy little fellow and HATES with a passion having to sit still for any length of time.

As I said though, in contrast, Flipper has been a cuddler. That is, until now. I was always guaranteed a litte cuddle before bed after his evening feed but now he just wants to be off and following his favourite person in the world - his brother - around the bedroom floor.

Lovely to see him developing his own will and personality, but I miss the cuddles .....

Ideal weather

2007-11-09T12:00:00.000+11:00

I love rain - or I used to love it before I had children. With two under twos - and particularly an energetic 23 month old - rainy days are a challenge, and we struggle for ways - any ways! - to get out of the house during the day. This sometimes leads to disastrous trips to the shops such as that undertaken yesterday - but no need to rehash that particular debacle here!

But, I can still love rain at night. For most of this week, and particularly the last 2 nights, I have gone to sleep to the sound of rain on the roof and woken during the night to hear it again. I lvoe that.

It struck me at about 3am when I was drifting back off to sleep to the sound of the rain that for me, the ideal weather pattern would be sunny days and rain every night. Who do I need to apply to to make this happen?

A big step

2007-11-05T22:03:00.000+11:00

Something big happened in our house over the weekend. It may not sound big to everyone, but it is huge to me.

We moved the Boys into the same bedroom together. And in the process, we moved back into our large, light, airy, bedroom which has an attached sunroom where I can sit at my desk and work, blog or look out the window, and built in wardrobes!

Our house is only 2 bedrooms, plus a study type of room which is quite small and in the centre of the house. The study has 3 doors, which come off the kitchen, dining room and lounge room and can be, and often is, the main thoroughfare between these rooms.

When we found out that we were expecting Flipper a lot earlier than we had intended to expand our family, I decided (in my wisdom, whcih may not have been so wise) that rather than have the baby in with Action Man and potentially ruin his fantastic sleep patterns, and rather than have the new baby in with me where I would get no sleep whatsoever because I would wake every time he moved, Hubby and I moved into the study, Action Man into our room and Flipper went into the 'nursery' on his own. We made our new bedroom nice, we blocked off one of the doors, painted and bought a new rug, but it was still a small room in the middle of the house, where I could really not have my own space or properly escape from everyone. I am a person who needs my space - a lot.

And, for reasons that I will probably blog more about at a later date (and am still very sensitive about) our family has had quite a rough time since Flipper's arrival - mainly due to me and how I coped with an unplanned baby, a very small toddler, a very difficult pregnancy and completely unexpected major feeding difficulties.

The recovery has been slow .... but steady. Going back to work has helped, the boys each getting older has helped, me getting my head right has helped, and the latest instalment, getting my bedroom back has really helped. It sounds so trivial and silly, but I feel so much more at peace and at home in my house, I can get my alone time, our lives feel more 'normal' and less transient and for something entirely trivial - my clothes are more easily accessible!

We turned the 'study' into a playroom for the Boys which is also great - they can spread their toys out and we can still have the lounge room in some semblance of order.

What is also lovely, and that I didn't expect would affect me the way it has, is seeing the Boys sharing a room, hearing them chatting away after we put them down to bed, and when they wake up - seeing them interacting with each other as brothers brings us more together as a family and I love it.

And all this has been achieved with very minimal disruption to nighttime sleeping through and the one daytime sleep that they have at the same time - just as an added bonus.

It feels trivial to feel so transformed by this, but I do - its another step towards getting 'me' back.

2007-10-31T20:56:00.000+11:00

Action Man often says "Mummy help", "Mummy fix it", "Mummy kiss it better" when something is wrong, something won't work, or he has hurt himself.

I love this. I love being the answer to all problems, and I love being though to be able to fix everything and make everything better.

I know there will come a time when Mummy can't fix it, can't do it, or can't make it better. That makes me sad.

A night away

2007-10-29T19:45:00.000+11:00

On Saturday night Hubby and I went to our nanny's wedding. It was a lovely night - a Christian wedding, and as she and her husband are Indonesian it had quite a different cultural element too. Grandma and Gaga (Action Man's name for my dad which has now stuck and is used by the whole family!) came down and stayed for the night to babysit and we stayed at a hotel for the night. It was lovely. Not that we didn't miss the Boys and weren't anxious to get home to them on Sunday morning, but, I am a big believer in quiet and alone time for parents contributing to the life of our relationship and the stability of our family. We don't get the option to go out alone that much as we have no family in Sydney (apart from my sister who has her own little one!) so it is a real treat when we get it. Feeling very lucky and energised by my little time away.

What am I worth???

2007-10-25T07:43:00.000+10:00

Our nanny is currently on holidays - she is getting married on Saturday so has had this week off and will be away for the next 2 weeks. She looks after the boys usually on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, which are my work days, so for the time that she is away we are making alternative arrangements - actually, our 'arrangements' would be more accurately described as 'flying by the seat of our pants' and hoping that with a combination of Hubby and I taking days off here and there, and my Dad stepping in, we will get through the time ok.

Just on the nanny - she is wonderful, she loves our boys so much, and is a Christian which is great. I consider myself very lucky to have the nanny option rather than putting the Boys in childcare. When I was heading back to work when Action Man was 9 months old I couldn't bring myself to do the childcare thing so investigated nannies. Yes, it is more expensive, but the benefits the Boys get in one on one (or one on two) care in their own home with someone who has bonded with them, and the benefits we get from having a generally more organised life, and keeping the boys in their routine rather than having to get them out of the house early and home late for child care drop off and pick up, are definitely worth it. To be honest, I do have moments of jealousy - but they are far outweighed by the happiness I have at seeing the Boys happy and well cared for, and how good it is to see them developing bonds and relationships with people outside immediate family that they can trust.

Anyway, back to the three weeks that we are nanny-less. This week, Hubby has taken the Tuesday and Thursday shift, and my Dad is stepping in for Friday.

By all accounts - a wonderful day was had by all on Tuesday - the boys had their proper sleeps (more incidentally than they had yesterday which was a mummy day!), there were visits to the park and the shops, and Hubby even managed to lay our new turf in the backyard while they were asleep.

Hubby was however, to use his words "hammered" at the end of the day, and expressed his view that "there's nothing like two under two". I was sympathetic - I know this to be true! - and quite touched when he then commented that my approach of getting them into a manageable routine made it a lot easier for him to manage the day.

In later discussion, I was telling him about a meeting I had had that day with a financial adviser who represents the insurance company who manages the life insurance for my firm - as a partner, I am covered by the firm for a certain level of cover. I was telling Hubby that the amount of death cover had gone up since we last checked, and flippantly remarked that I was now worth more to him dead than alive.

He responded in all seriousness "No way, you are worth far more to me alive than dead - there's no way I could do what I did today all the time".

High praise and appreciation indeed.

Moments to remember from our weekend

2007-10-21T20:58:00.000+10:00

Some lovely moments from a lovely weekend -

- being presented with a gift by Hubby and the Boys at 5.30am Saturday (wake up time in our house at the moment!) - it was a bottle of my favourite perfume which I bought especially for our wedding and have worn ever since. I lost my previous bottle by leaving it in the caravan we were staying in in country NSW when Hubby's father passed away in June, and have not got around to replacing it - I don't get to the shops often with two under two's in tow! It was a very special, unexpected and thoughtful gift.

- taking the Boys to the park yesterday and smelling the scents of Spring in the air - jasmine and wisteria etc - beautiful. Such a reminder of the beauty of Creation and how important it is to stop and notice once in a while.

- taking a nap while the Boys had their sleep yesterday - instead of tackling the monstrous pile of ironing and washing, the baking I had intended to do, cleaning the bathroom or doing the work I had brought home with me. It was bliss!

- watching Action Man play with our fruit bowl - it is his current obsession - taking the fruit out of the bowl and naming and counting each type with such pride and excitement. Today, when the bowl was empty he stood in it, announced that it was his 'shower' and proceeded to turn on the taps and shampoo his hair. How wonderful is the imagination of children - we see a fruit bowl, he sees a shower ....

- and finally, taking the Boys out for noodles for dinner and watching Flipper have a go at his first flat noodle.

A great weekend all in all, and full of moments to remember.

Bring on the week - I'm ready for it!

2007-10-18T21:27:00.000+10:00

Just thinking today also about my first post, the name of this blog and the whole "Yummy Mummy" concept. My use of it and reference to it is by no means an endorsement of the concept - it is more a tongue in cheek reference than anything else (and I was struggling for a blog name - I'm not the most creative person at the best of times!).

But, I was thinking about it, and thinking that my boys and my husband love me just the way I am - the only thing which would really benefit me and them for me to change would be the fitness thing - if I was fitter then I would more than likely be less tired and more energetic.

Also being so grateful that I know that God loves me just the way I am - and as I struggle to be more like Jesus. Doesn't that mean more than anything - and isn't it often so easy to forget?

2007-10-18T21:13:00.000+10:00

Re: yesterday's post - I think I might have nailed it. Not the working mum dilemma - surely that would be akin to brokering world peace! - but I have put my finger on just why my guilt quotient has increased in the last few weeks.

It's the choice thing. As I said in my previous post, I went back to work between the boys through a sense of obligation - mainly to the firm and to my family from a financial point of view. I didn't really enjoy it, I didn't really set the world on fire during that time, and I definitely wasn't looking forward to going back again this time. I didn't enjoy it again for the first couple of months, but in the last month I have moved offices, and in the process moved away from a difficult person I had worked with for some time, I have started afresh, have new clients, new staff and a new attitude. I enjoy work again - I haven't come full circle, in that I am not as career focussed as I once was, and I think I never will be again - but it is a marked change in my post-children attitude to work.

And that is the clincher - the choice thing. When I went back before I felt that it wasn't really a choice. I felt that I had to - I know, I know, everything is a choice, but I felt a little cornered back then. Now, it occurs to me that even if I had a choice not to work, I would - and that's where the guilt increases - I would choose to be away from my boys to go to work. Does that make me a bad mother????

2007-10-17T20:36:00.000+10:00

Am feeling funny tonight. Am fresh from a lovely sunny day spent with my boys - we played, met up with friends at the playground, did a little grocery shopping, had a visit from Grandma and Grandad, and Aunty and cousin (3 months younger than Action Man), and while they slept I stewed and pureed 4.5 kilos of fruit for Flipper's meals for the next little while, and hung out and sorted washing ( I also read my book for about half an hour!). Lovely.

They are now in bed and I find myself in front of my computer, doing .... work. And not really resenting it, but feeling quite tired. Which brings me to my funny feeling.

Its about the working mum thing. This has changed for me quite dramatically quite recently and I'm still getting my head around it. Pre Hubby (we married in 2002) - I was the ultimate career woman, I worked long hours, weekends and enjoyed it, felt fulfilled by it, and moved ahead because of it. Post marriage, I toned it down a bit - still worked hard, but worked smarter, spent more time at home and enjoyed the balance (most of the time). Post Action Man, I thought I would never want to work again, so enamoured was I with new motherhood, and then by the time I went back to work (mainly due to obligation as I am a partner with the firm) I was already pregnant with Flipper and very ill a lot of the time, so work was really an annoyance while I coped with a difficult pregnancy, a young baby, and waited for the next one.

Going back this time was a wrench initially - but now I am enjoying it. Enjoying the balance, looking forward to my days at work and my days at home (I work 3 days a week at the moment) and generally feeling good about it.

But I have the guilt thing, and I am feeling pressured to increase my days, and I miss my boys when I'm at work, but I know I would miss work if I didn't do it. Still getting my head around it.

2007-10-16T08:34:00.000+10:00

My days are numbered ....

There was an interesting article in the 'Sunday Life' magazine in the Sun Herald this past weekend entitled "Mind the Gap" - it was about the 'ideal' gap between children, the pluses and minuses of larger or smaller gaps. This is a subject dear to my heart - having one of the smallest 'gaps' I know between my children so I read it with interest. It quoted some research done by an Australian group which found that mothers of children with a gap of less than 18 months between them tend to have a shorter life expectancy than those with a larger gap. Hmmmm. I take some comfort from the fact that the research was done on women born prior to 1941, however .....

I then read on the back page of the SMH yesterday morning that some research has been done and published in the latest edition of the Scientific American stating that sons reduce a mother's life span by an average of 34 weeks. Apparently the culprit is the testosterone (of course it is!) as it compromises the mother's immune system and makes her more prone to disease. There is also the fact(?) that sons are more costly to raise, draining more physical resources from their mothers and are less likely to stick around to help their mothers out in old age!

Not looking positive for me. However on discussing this with Hubby last night he comforted me with the fact that his grandmother was mother to 6 boys, quite closely spaced, and lived until she was 93!!!! No need to panic then!

2007-10-15T11:12:00.000+10:00

I am a mummy - a relatively new one, so it is very much my defining role in life - who am I kidding, it probably always will be. I have two boys - Action Man (22 months) and Flipper (almost 9 months). Yes - they are 13 months apart, and yes, we fell for the "breastfeeding is a 98% effective contraceptive" - I know, I know - silly! As I said to the midwife discharging Flipper and I from hospital after his birth when she quoted the above statistic to us "Meet Mr 2%"! But anyway, I digress ..... I do that a lot these days.

I am a mummy - but not a particularly "yummy" one - who has the time and where do they find it?????? My eyebrows, legs etc are way overdue for a wax, my hair is overdue for a cut and colour, my underwear has all gone grey in the wash (who has the time or energy to separate????) I am a fairly significant number of kilos heavier than I was pre-Action Man (and I was never really a slim girl anyway) and my days of wearing a clean outfit, makeup and properly done hair - all at the same time - are a thing of the past.

But, would I change it? Never. My boys are my life - even though they have changed my life, and me, into someone I sometimes no longer recognise - but like better than who I was before they came along.

Why this blog? I'm not sure - I have read blogs of some of my friends and enjoy them. But, I find that I often tend to drift off into random thought a lot these days - a blogger friend calls it SCRADD - Small Child Related Attention Deficit Disorder - and I tend to agree. In these random wanderings I think things I would like to write down - if only to help me process them. Not sure whether anyone will read this blog - I can't imagine it being terribly interesting - but hope that I can enjoy posting to it.