Learning about helplessness

I am learning a big lesson about being patient, accepting help and being vulnerable. For the first time in my adult life, I am completely physically helpless. An old back injury from my first year at university has flared up in a way that is worse than the original injury leaving me flat on my back in bed, unable to sit up, roll over, dress myself, feed myself, clean my teeth, and for the first two days, go to the toilet by myself. And it has been hard.

I got up on Friday morning feeling fine, felt a little twinge in my lower back while changing Action Man's nappy but didnt think too much about it, then after getting out of the shower i was leaning over drying my feet and felt a large ripping feeling in my lower back, excruciating pain, and called out for Hubby through my tears, who carried me back to bed where I have remained since. A bit of light relief was Action Man sternly telling me as I was crying in pain 'Mummy, stop being Mr Miserable!' - his favourite book of the moment is 'Mr Happy' which obviously also features Mr Miserable.

Hubby managed to dress me, we got a physio to do a home visit and the doctor came to inject me with pain relief, and i have stayed in bed, flat on my back. There is nothing like something like this to make one realise how much we take for granted, and while I often yearn for a day in bed, I only want it on my terms! This injury will heal - although it doesn't feel like that at the moment - and I wonder how i would cope if i was faced with an injury that wouldn't heal.

Hubby has been wonderful, although for him it has been like looking after 3 children for the weekend, and he and my mum managed this afternoon to get me up and to the toilet and in the shower which was absolute bliss after almost 3 days. It brings a new meaning to 'in sickness and in health', and challenges to my own sensitivities, to have to rely on my husband so absolutely for the bare necessities of daily life and care.

I am posting this from bed, with the laptop balanced on my stomach, and little visibility of the keyboard so apologies for typos - will hopefully get some more mobility in the next few days which will make life easier, and make it easier to send an update from the bed!