Haven't blogged for a while, so Merry Christmas to all!

Several reasons for lack of blogging - end of year work being busy, horrible things happening at work which monopolised my attention and that I can't really write about, and getting ready for Christmas.

It struck me during the frenzied last week before Christmas when I was up late most nights doing handmade Christmas cards with photos of the boys, handmade calendars for both grandmothers, a photo book I put together, laminated etc for the boys, etc, etc, that I may not be doing all of these things for the most noble of reasons. Giving it some thought I wondered whether I was doing the cards for the benefit of those who will receive them, the calendars for the grandmas and the book for the boys - yes, of course I was. But there was another reason - I was doing it to prove something to myself, or rather to address one of my own insecurities - I was doing it to prove (to myself alone I'm sure, as I'm quite certain that no one else gives it much thought really!) that I can work and still be the 'mum'. Yes, I may dress up in a suit 3 days a weeks and play with the big boys (or attempt to) in the concrete jungle,but I can still make my own Christmas cards, make my own calendars and put together handmade gifts for my boys - I can also leap tall piles of washing in a single bound, clean like a machine, and cook up a storm such that my children never (heaven forbid!) eat from a jar.

As I said, not the most noble of reasons. I wonder if I'm the only one????

Anyway, I digress. Am currently relaxing in the Hunter Valley in a house on the vineyards for 5 nights with my family - Mum, Dad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew who is about the same age as Action Man. Its lovely - although the house that was advertised on the internet as 'luxury accommodation' was described as such VERY loosely! We spent the previous 5 nights in Hubby's home town over Christmas, which was also nice, made much more pleasant by the fact that I had negotiated earlier in the year that we stayed "off site" rather than with the m-i-l. Much needed relief for all!

Have had several ideas/thoughts for future posts over the time that we have been away and thought that I would list them here so that I remember them, as I often have these ideas, then get in front of the computer and promptly forget about them!

List is as follows:

- "One of the best things I have ever done"
- Another baby?
- The family farm

And now I have forgotten the rest again!!!!!

Christmas meme

I have been tagged in a meme - didn't know what a meme was prior to being tagged, and wasn't sure what tagging meant, so have been watching the blogs of the other 'tag-ees' to see what they have done and am now doing what i think I am supposed to do!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper where things are 'easy' to wrap. I cheat with the gift bags for awkwardly shaped presents although try to limit my use of them as they can get quite expensive. I'm a bit of a gift wrapping perfectionist (or 'facist' is another word that has been used to describe my approach) - a hangover from years working in a newsagency at Christmas time that had a gift wrapping service ....

2. Real tree or artificial? Always had artificial when we were growing up but I like the idea of real - but not the mess!

3. When do you put up your tree? For the last 2 years it has been the closest weekend after 3 December as that is Action Man's birthday and we want each event to be special in its own right.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually when we get home from our trip to family over Christmas but before I go back to work - so around epiphany.

5. Do you like eggnog? No idea - never tried it!

6. Favourite gift received as a child? I got a teddy bear called 'Pammy' when I was about 12. I had really wanted this teddy bear - I mean REALLY. Not sure why.

7. Do you have a Nativity scene? No. Have been meaning to do the advent calendar thing for a few years but haven't got around to it - mainly as a result of being heavily pregnant or immediately post natal for the last 2 Christmases in a row, and this year just not getting round to it yet - there is still time!

8. Hardest person to buy for? My grandmother.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My Boys - but its too easy and I have to stop myself from just being ridiculous.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't know - I haven't received a truly bad one that I can remember. Last year we got an ugly vase and a wooden fish that was made so that it moved by itself when the wind blew on it - I find it quite creepy. They are both from family though so we keep them and put them on display when said family visits.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. Last year I did homemade cards with a lovely Christmas photo of Action Man on the front. Trying to do the same this year but Boys being quite un-cooperative in the photo posing stakes and am rapidly running out of time! Feel that I have created the precedent now with last year's effort so am still trying!

12. Favorite Christmas movie? It’s a Wonderful Life. I also like Love Actually.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A couple of months before - if I see something when I am out I buy it and stash it away.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Am about to do it this year for the first time. We received some toys last Christmas for Action Man that were a little old for him, so he is getting them this Christmas - does that make me bad?

15. Favorite things to eat at Christmas? Pork - especially the crackling! And especially cold the next day on sandwiches! And my mum gets fantastic Christmas cakes from a cake shop in the Sydney suburb we grew up in - it is a special trip each year as none of us live there anymore but we haven't found any cakes as nice anywhere else - especially not the ones I have attempted to make over the years!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Coloured.

17. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night – my absolute winner.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel - every year. My family one year, Hubby's the next.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No. Its 5am and I've been up for almost 3 hours. Try me again when I've had more sleep.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star. Not a fan of the angel.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning in my family. In Hubby's family we wait until after lunch on Christmas day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Christmas 'carols' that have nothing to do with what Christmas is really about. People who write 'Xmas' and who say 'happy holidays'.

23. What is the "corniest" family tradition you do, or miss doing? When I was growing up we would sit around the tree on Christmas eve and watch the carols from the Myer music bowl in Melbourne - this was when they were 'carols' sung by proper singers and not the dodgy Christmas songs with no meaning that are now sung by tv stars and Australian idol winners. I can't sit through it now.

24. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented? We own it. My husband bought it as a joke - a cardboard Santa with a concertina red belly. The definition of kitsch. (We also have a Thanksgiving turkey on the same theme - why? I have no idea!)

.25. Which looks the best, theme trees or homey trees? I like the idea of themed trees, and the look of them in magazines and shops, but have some decorations with sentimental value that I can't let go of. Am fighting the tinsel war with Hubby - I am not a fan but he has snuck some on. Grrrr.

26. What does Christmas mean to you? The birth of Jesus - how awesome is that?

Friday 14 December 2007 - not looking good so far

Its 4am, I'm up, I have been up since 2.30am, and only sleeping in very patchy intervals from 11pm. At this point I usually decide that there is not much point going back to bed - even if a miracle occurs and screaming child (Flipper) decides that it might be a good time to go back to sleep. Sigh.

This post is going to be a bit of a whinge - so if you are not in the mood for a whinge feel free to stop reading - I won't mind!

This has not been a good week.

I found out something sad about a friend - long standing work colleague that I have been friends with for about 10 years - admittedly the friendship has staled a bit lately as we have drifted apart with different things going on in our lives and he had seemed to have changed a bit into someone I wasn't sure I liked a lot of the time. Anyway, this friend has been married for 10 years, to his childhood sweetheart (they met at school). She is pregnant with their first child - due late Jan 2008. My friend has left her, he has moved out, they are getting a divorce. I'm stunned and sad, and am probably thinking about it way too much. It calls into question the whole 'staying together for the sake of the kids' thing and the question of who your responsibility is to once you have children, or have conceived a child - to yourself in order to be happy and to be the best person you can be in order to be the best parent you can be, or to your child in order to give them the best start in life, being two parents in the same home - if you assume of course that that is the best start in life. He has already accused me of being 'judgemental' and I don't want to be, but I just can't get my head around it. I guess also with the experience of becoming a mother being relatively recent for me, I am aware of the changes - physical, emotional and mental - that a woman having a child for the first time goes through, and how difficult that can be (while also being wonderful) even when there is a supportive and loving partner beside you 24 hours a day helping you, telling you are doing well, and just loving you. And I feel so sad that my friend's wife won't have that. As I said at the outset, I am thinking about this way too much, and going into it on this blog in such an amount of detail is probably a function of my sleep deprivation, but also my way of processing it. Its just so sad.

And on top of that, I am having troubles at work. I can't go into detail about them but they are not good.

Finally, Action Man did his first wee on the toilet yesterday and Mummy wasn't here. I cried when I found out - probably a combination reaction to everything else, and maybe an overreaction, but it made me sad.

Anway, it is now 4.30am, all is quiet, and I need to be up in an hour anyway. Think I'll have a cup of tea and do the ironing. Hoping the day gets better from here ......... and if not, there's always an early night tonight!

What am I doing wrong?????

I was the lone ranger tonight putting the boys down - nothing gargantuan, just cooking and feeding them dinner, bathing, dressing, stories, prayers, bed. The end result was okay - in bed and asleep by 7.15pm, but the process was not a pleasant one. Constant screaming, interspersed with whinging and whining, kiwi fruit and yoghurt all over the floor (and me), fisticuffs in the bath, and a completely failed story attempt and no attention paid by Action Man during prayers. Nothing at all like the books, movies and tv ads present bedtime to be - no soft focus lighting, little eyes drifting closed, gentle smiles at mummy and lovely cuddles and kisses. It was a battle from start to finish.

Is it only me that this happens to? What am I doing wrong?????

Great expectations

Yesterday (Dec 3rd) was Action Man's second birthday. We were very excited and wanted the day to be lovely for him - not that he really knows much what it means, despite running around the house yesterday announcing "I'm 2!" to anyone who asked.

I am always off work on Mondays, so Hubby took the day off too so that we could spend the day together. We had a specialist appointment for Flipper in the morning which I had been a little worried about but it was all ok so we set off very happily afterwards for 'Toys R Us' to buy Action Man's birthday present (Mummy had not been organised enough to get it earlier - bad mummy!) I may have mentioned it before, but he is OBSESSED with cars, trucks and anything that has wheels and goes - including bikes. He has a little ride on dinky thing but seems to have outgrown that and is always heading for the trikes that other kids bring to the park, so we decided that we would get him a trike - the ones that have a handle so that we can steer for him.

My grand plan for the rest of the day went something like this......

- buy trike and head home
- boys down for sleep - that they ALWAYS have at about 12.30/1pm for at least an hour and a half
- while boys asleep Mummy makes birthday cake, maybe grabs a little lie down, and Hubby mows and tidies lawns
- boys wake up in lovely mood and we take boys and new trike and birthday cake to the park for a picnic afternoon tea
- early dinner at local pizza place that knows us and is happy to have the boys there
- home for bed
- Mummy and Daddy have a relaxing evening (and maybe for something fun, Mummy attempts the great pile of ironing currently taking on a life of its own in the laundry).

Here's what actually happened ...

-buy trike and head home (so far so good - the next one is where it gooes pear shaped)
- boys refuse to sleep - for the first time in I can't remember how long
- Mummy makes cake in a big rush while listening to boys carrying on and refusing to sleep
-lawns not mowed or tidied
-boys not in lovely mood - in fact, they are quite cranky and difficult
- sudden thunderstorm ruins plans for afternoon picnic
- Mummy feeling very ill - having caught the bug the boys had last week
- against all better judgement still head to pizza place where Action Man refuses to sit, eat, or generally behave, and Flipper just cracks it because he is way too tired
- walk home in second drenching thunderstorm of the day because of course we forgot the umbrellas
- boys do go down to bed ok, but no relaxing (or ironing) for Mummy as I retire to bed at 8pm feeling absolutely shocking.

Ok - so not a tragedy, not life threatening, and I am laughing about it today - but I think things like this happen every so often to remind me that planning when it comes to kids (and the weather in Sydney at the moment - go figure!) is futile and that despite my routine based approach and general orderliness, we just need to go with the flow, and Mummy needs to learn to CHILL OUT!

Brotherly love

It's official - the fisticuffs have started.

While Flipper was originally an object of curiosity to Action Man and we could explain the occasional poking and prodding as him being inquisitive, I am now forced to admit that there are occasions that he hurts Flipper just because he can and because he wants to. It makes me angry in a way that I never thought I would be with him, even though I know that it is normal.

It mainly happens towards the end of the day, when everyone is tired and cranky and I am at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with it. I know that the two of them wrestling etc will just be a part of life - as one of two girls I don't know this from personal experience, but Hubby assures me that this is normal and ok - but the deliberate hurting is not ok and I don't know what to do about it or if there is anything I CAN do about it with an almost 2 year old.

Does anyone have any tips?

I haven't blogged for a while, having found myself (quite unusually for me) with not much to say. Or perhaps more accurately, a lot to say but not the words to say it in - again, quite unusually for me.

Lots has been happening - difficulties at work, lots of work, the election (which I was quite captivated by) and the reappearance - not recurrence I emphasise - of some effects of my difficult times post-Flipper's birth. Perhaps I will get to these more in the next few posts, but my thoughts for tonight are easy to express and I want to record them.

I came home from work today - having been caught in the most appalling traffic jam on York St in the city (which would not have been so bad if my petrol orange light had not been on since yesterday morning and by this time causing me some concern!) - and had both boys (plus Hubby) meet me at the door. Action Man shouted "Mummy" over and over again at the top of his voice and Flipper gave me the loveliest of grins, showing off his three new teeth that are on the way through - all at the same time!

It struck me that there are probably few other times or situations in life that we are greeted with such enthusiasm and unaffected glee as we are by our children. There are no distractions, inhibitions, they see no faults in us, and they show on their faces and with their words exactly what they are feeling. Its quite humbling and the most amazing feeling.

And I feel the exact same joy back at them - and they are at the age when I can show it exactly the same way. There are no "oh mum" comments as I gather them in for a kiss and a cuddle as I expect there will be during the adolescent grunting stages that I am assured they will go through at some point. Its lovely.

I then made the connection that this must be how my parents feel when they see me - even now that I am grown up with my own children. And I was struck again by the realisation that I had when Action Man was born and I experienced for the first time the strength of parent/child love and really appreciated for the first time what my parents feel for me, and what they have done for me.

It is these things that make life so special, and our relationships with our family such a special part of life.

Where has my cuddy baby gone?

Flipper has always been a cuddly baby. He has been happy to sit and be held, taked to, sang to, and generally cuddled. Action Man - as the name implies! - was never really cuddly. He was always on the move. I would sit at Mothers Group get togethers while the other babies sat on their mum's laps and cuddled while my little fellow struggled and kicked to be allowed to be on the floor moving about and investigating. In the last 6 months or so he has embraced the cuddle - pardon the dodgy pun! - and will often ask for a "mummy cuddle" which I love - but he is definitely a busy little fellow and HATES with a passion having to sit still for any length of time.

As I said though, in contrast, Flipper has been a cuddler. That is, until now. I was always guaranteed a litte cuddle before bed after his evening feed but now he just wants to be off and following his favourite person in the world - his brother - around the bedroom floor.

Lovely to see him developing his own will and personality, but I miss the cuddles .....

Ideal weather

I love rain - or I used to love it before I had children. With two under twos - and particularly an energetic 23 month old - rainy days are a challenge, and we struggle for ways - any ways! - to get out of the house during the day. This sometimes leads to disastrous trips to the shops such as that undertaken yesterday - but no need to rehash that particular debacle here!

But, I can still love rain at night. For most of this week, and particularly the last 2 nights, I have gone to sleep to the sound of rain on the roof and woken during the night to hear it again. I lvoe that.

It struck me at about 3am when I was drifting back off to sleep to the sound of the rain that for me, the ideal weather pattern would be sunny days and rain every night. Who do I need to apply to to make this happen?

A big step

Something big happened in our house over the weekend. It may not sound big to everyone, but it is huge to me.

We moved the Boys into the same bedroom together. And in the process, we moved back into our large, light, airy, bedroom which has an attached sunroom where I can sit at my desk and work, blog or look out the window, and built in wardrobes!

Our house is only 2 bedrooms, plus a study type of room which is quite small and in the centre of the house. The study has 3 doors, which come off the kitchen, dining room and lounge room and can be, and often is, the main thoroughfare between these rooms.

When we found out that we were expecting Flipper a lot earlier than we had intended to expand our family, I decided (in my wisdom, whcih may not have been so wise) that rather than have the baby in with Action Man and potentially ruin his fantastic sleep patterns, and rather than have the new baby in with me where I would get no sleep whatsoever because I would wake every time he moved, Hubby and I moved into the study, Action Man into our room and Flipper went into the 'nursery' on his own. We made our new bedroom nice, we blocked off one of the doors, painted and bought a new rug, but it was still a small room in the middle of the house, where I could really not have my own space or properly escape from everyone. I am a person who needs my space - a lot.

And, for reasons that I will probably blog more about at a later date (and am still very sensitive about) our family has had quite a rough time since Flipper's arrival - mainly due to me and how I coped with an unplanned baby, a very small toddler, a very difficult pregnancy and completely unexpected major feeding difficulties.

The recovery has been slow .... but steady. Going back to work has helped, the boys each getting older has helped, me getting my head right has helped, and the latest instalment, getting my bedroom back has really helped. It sounds so trivial and silly, but I feel so much more at peace and at home in my house, I can get my alone time, our lives feel more 'normal' and less transient and for something entirely trivial - my clothes are more easily accessible!

We turned the 'study' into a playroom for the Boys which is also great - they can spread their toys out and we can still have the lounge room in some semblance of order.

What is also lovely, and that I didn't expect would affect me the way it has, is seeing the Boys sharing a room, hearing them chatting away after we put them down to bed, and when they wake up - seeing them interacting with each other as brothers brings us more together as a family and I love it.

And all this has been achieved with very minimal disruption to nighttime sleeping through and the one daytime sleep that they have at the same time - just as an added bonus.

It feels trivial to feel so transformed by this, but I do - its another step towards getting 'me' back.

Action Man often says "Mummy help", "Mummy fix it", "Mummy kiss it better" when something is wrong, something won't work, or he has hurt himself.

I love this. I love being the answer to all problems, and I love being though to be able to fix everything and make everything better.

I know there will come a time when Mummy can't fix it, can't do it, or can't make it better. That makes me sad.

A night away

On Saturday night Hubby and I went to our nanny's wedding. It was a lovely night - a Christian wedding, and as she and her husband are Indonesian it had quite a different cultural element too. Grandma and Gaga (Action Man's name for my dad which has now stuck and is used by the whole family!) came down and stayed for the night to babysit and we stayed at a hotel for the night. It was lovely. Not that we didn't miss the Boys and weren't anxious to get home to them on Sunday morning, but, I am a big believer in quiet and alone time for parents contributing to the life of our relationship and the stability of our family. We don't get the option to go out alone that much as we have no family in Sydney (apart from my sister who has her own little one!) so it is a real treat when we get it. Feeling very lucky and energised by my little time away.

What am I worth???

Our nanny is currently on holidays - she is getting married on Saturday so has had this week off and will be away for the next 2 weeks. She looks after the boys usually on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, which are my work days, so for the time that she is away we are making alternative arrangements - actually, our 'arrangements' would be more accurately described as 'flying by the seat of our pants' and hoping that with a combination of Hubby and I taking days off here and there, and my Dad stepping in, we will get through the time ok.

Just on the nanny - she is wonderful, she loves our boys so much, and is a Christian which is great. I consider myself very lucky to have the nanny option rather than putting the Boys in childcare. When I was heading back to work when Action Man was 9 months old I couldn't bring myself to do the childcare thing so investigated nannies. Yes, it is more expensive, but the benefits the Boys get in one on one (or one on two) care in their own home with someone who has bonded with them, and the benefits we get from having a generally more organised life, and keeping the boys in their routine rather than having to get them out of the house early and home late for child care drop off and pick up, are definitely worth it. To be honest, I do have moments of jealousy - but they are far outweighed by the happiness I have at seeing the Boys happy and well cared for, and how good it is to see them developing bonds and relationships with people outside immediate family that they can trust.

Anyway, back to the three weeks that we are nanny-less. This week, Hubby has taken the Tuesday and Thursday shift, and my Dad is stepping in for Friday.

By all accounts - a wonderful day was had by all on Tuesday - the boys had their proper sleeps (more incidentally than they had yesterday which was a mummy day!), there were visits to the park and the shops, and Hubby even managed to lay our new turf in the backyard while they were asleep.

Hubby was however, to use his words "hammered" at the end of the day, and expressed his view that "there's nothing like two under two". I was sympathetic - I know this to be true! - and quite touched when he then commented that my approach of getting them into a manageable routine made it a lot easier for him to manage the day.

In later discussion, I was telling him about a meeting I had had that day with a financial adviser who represents the insurance company who manages the life insurance for my firm - as a partner, I am covered by the firm for a certain level of cover. I was telling Hubby that the amount of death cover had gone up since we last checked, and flippantly remarked that I was now worth more to him dead than alive.

He responded in all seriousness "No way, you are worth far more to me alive than dead - there's no way I could do what I did today all the time".

High praise and appreciation indeed.

Moments to remember from our weekend

Some lovely moments from a lovely weekend -

- being presented with a gift by Hubby and the Boys at 5.30am Saturday (wake up time in our house at the moment!) - it was a bottle of my favourite perfume which I bought especially for our wedding and have worn ever since. I lost my previous bottle by leaving it in the caravan we were staying in in country NSW when Hubby's father passed away in June, and have not got around to replacing it - I don't get to the shops often with two under two's in tow! It was a very special, unexpected and thoughtful gift.

- taking the Boys to the park yesterday and smelling the scents of Spring in the air - jasmine and wisteria etc - beautiful. Such a reminder of the beauty of Creation and how important it is to stop and notice once in a while.

- taking a nap while the Boys had their sleep yesterday - instead of tackling the monstrous pile of ironing and washing, the baking I had intended to do, cleaning the bathroom or doing the work I had brought home with me. It was bliss!

- watching Action Man play with our fruit bowl - it is his current obsession - taking the fruit out of the bowl and naming and counting each type with such pride and excitement. Today, when the bowl was empty he stood in it, announced that it was his 'shower' and proceeded to turn on the taps and shampoo his hair. How wonderful is the imagination of children - we see a fruit bowl, he sees a shower ....

- and finally, taking the Boys out for noodles for dinner and watching Flipper have a go at his first flat noodle.

A great weekend all in all, and full of moments to remember.

Bring on the week - I'm ready for it!

Just thinking today also about my first post, the name of this blog and the whole "Yummy Mummy" concept. My use of it and reference to it is by no means an endorsement of the concept - it is more a tongue in cheek reference than anything else (and I was struggling for a blog name - I'm not the most creative person at the best of times!).

But, I was thinking about it, and thinking that my boys and my husband love me just the way I am - the only thing which would really benefit me and them for me to change would be the fitness thing - if I was fitter then I would more than likely be less tired and more energetic.

Also being so grateful that I know that God loves me just the way I am - and as I struggle to be more like Jesus. Doesn't that mean more than anything - and isn't it often so easy to forget?

Re: yesterday's post - I think I might have nailed it. Not the working mum dilemma - surely that would be akin to brokering world peace! - but I have put my finger on just why my guilt quotient has increased in the last few weeks.

It's the choice thing. As I said in my previous post, I went back to work between the boys through a sense of obligation - mainly to the firm and to my family from a financial point of view. I didn't really enjoy it, I didn't really set the world on fire during that time, and I definitely wasn't looking forward to going back again this time. I didn't enjoy it again for the first couple of months, but in the last month I have moved offices, and in the process moved away from a difficult person I had worked with for some time, I have started afresh, have new clients, new staff and a new attitude. I enjoy work again - I haven't come full circle, in that I am not as career focussed as I once was, and I think I never will be again - but it is a marked change in my post-children attitude to work.

And that is the clincher - the choice thing. When I went back before I felt that it wasn't really a choice. I felt that I had to - I know, I know, everything is a choice, but I felt a little cornered back then. Now, it occurs to me that even if I had a choice not to work, I would - and that's where the guilt increases - I would choose to be away from my boys to go to work. Does that make me a bad mother????

Am feeling funny tonight. Am fresh from a lovely sunny day spent with my boys - we played, met up with friends at the playground, did a little grocery shopping, had a visit from Grandma and Grandad, and Aunty and cousin (3 months younger than Action Man), and while they slept I stewed and pureed 4.5 kilos of fruit for Flipper's meals for the next little while, and hung out and sorted washing ( I also read my book for about half an hour!). Lovely.

They are now in bed and I find myself in front of my computer, doing .... work. And not really resenting it, but feeling quite tired. Which brings me to my funny feeling.

Its about the working mum thing. This has changed for me quite dramatically quite recently and I'm still getting my head around it. Pre Hubby (we married in 2002) - I was the ultimate career woman, I worked long hours, weekends and enjoyed it, felt fulfilled by it, and moved ahead because of it. Post marriage, I toned it down a bit - still worked hard, but worked smarter, spent more time at home and enjoyed the balance (most of the time). Post Action Man, I thought I would never want to work again, so enamoured was I with new motherhood, and then by the time I went back to work (mainly due to obligation as I am a partner with the firm) I was already pregnant with Flipper and very ill a lot of the time, so work was really an annoyance while I coped with a difficult pregnancy, a young baby, and waited for the next one.

Going back this time was a wrench initially - but now I am enjoying it. Enjoying the balance, looking forward to my days at work and my days at home (I work 3 days a week at the moment) and generally feeling good about it.

But I have the guilt thing, and I am feeling pressured to increase my days, and I miss my boys when I'm at work, but I know I would miss work if I didn't do it. Still getting my head around it.

My days are numbered ....

There was an interesting article in the 'Sunday Life' magazine in the Sun Herald this past weekend entitled "Mind the Gap" - it was about the 'ideal' gap between children, the pluses and minuses of larger or smaller gaps. This is a subject dear to my heart - having one of the smallest 'gaps' I know between my children so I read it with interest. It quoted some research done by an Australian group which found that mothers of children with a gap of less than 18 months between them tend to have a shorter life expectancy than those with a larger gap. Hmmmm. I take some comfort from the fact that the research was done on women born prior to 1941, however .....

I then read on the back page of the SMH yesterday morning that some research has been done and published in the latest edition of the Scientific American stating that sons reduce a mother's life span by an average of 34 weeks. Apparently the culprit is the testosterone (of course it is!) as it compromises the mother's immune system and makes her more prone to disease. There is also the fact(?) that sons are more costly to raise, draining more physical resources from their mothers and are less likely to stick around to help their mothers out in old age!

Not looking positive for me. However on discussing this with Hubby last night he comforted me with the fact that his grandmother was mother to 6 boys, quite closely spaced, and lived until she was 93!!!! No need to panic then!

I am a mummy - a relatively new one, so it is very much my defining role in life - who am I kidding, it probably always will be. I have two boys - Action Man (22 months) and Flipper (almost 9 months). Yes - they are 13 months apart, and yes, we fell for the "breastfeeding is a 98% effective contraceptive" - I know, I know - silly! As I said to the midwife discharging Flipper and I from hospital after his birth when she quoted the above statistic to us "Meet Mr 2%"! But anyway, I digress ..... I do that a lot these days.

I am a mummy - but not a particularly "yummy" one - who has the time and where do they find it?????? My eyebrows, legs etc are way overdue for a wax, my hair is overdue for a cut and colour, my underwear has all gone grey in the wash (who has the time or energy to separate????) I am a fairly significant number of kilos heavier than I was pre-Action Man (and I was never really a slim girl anyway) and my days of wearing a clean outfit, makeup and properly done hair - all at the same time - are a thing of the past.

But, would I change it? Never. My boys are my life - even though they have changed my life, and me, into someone I sometimes no longer recognise - but like better than who I was before they came along.

Why this blog? I'm not sure - I have read blogs of some of my friends and enjoy them. But, I find that I often tend to drift off into random thought a lot these days - a blogger friend calls it SCRADD - Small Child Related Attention Deficit Disorder - and I tend to agree. In these random wanderings I think things I would like to write down - if only to help me process them. Not sure whether anyone will read this blog - I can't imagine it being terribly interesting - but hope that I can enjoy posting to it.